the end of days (the futility of sleep)

when you fish for an answer
there is no joy
in the waiting
fishing
wishing
wondering
if there is a pulse
on the other end of the question
hello
hello
is there anyone in there
to save me
from the infernal noise
swelling to flood levels
each and every time
i close my eyes to try
oh to try in vain
to bid farewell to the end of a day
only hoping
wishing
praying to god
that tomorrow will be different
again and again
and again
but no it won't
no
you know the answer
is no
the same.
this is a song
for the same
same old things
thoughts like yellowed newspapers
no body reads anymore
no body buys
no body talks
no body knows
and i just don't care
tell myself i don't care
just to fall asleep
just to put an end to the day
like today
like yesterday
like tomorrow
lie
lie
lie lie lie lie lie
headaches to send us home
medicine to send us back
a kick in the balls
to feel a damn thing
so real
so right
so wrong
what's the difference?

the end of days (internal dialogue)

did you say
you're a stranger to this world
a fly ensnared in a tangled web of spiders,
or that you love me?
yes, i know
of course my charms are as drugs
pacify the pain
steady the ship
destined for despair
save you from yourself.
what did you say
i am full of sh#t again
head so deep down in it
i only hear what i want to hear
see what i want to
and that i am the one who fits in this world
like a head in a pinhole
like a tank in a manhole
like a man ... on fire
and i am
god knows i am
burning
from within
caving in
no air
no light
 wait
wait
i said wait
did you say all that
or am i thinking it
did you scream
that you are drowning
or is it me?

tell me, baby

unbuckle your hopes
unzip your delusions
illusions
open your eyes
that only see
what you want to see
anyways
are you with me
are you willing to forget
thinking about yourself
who you are
why
you're such a prisoner
inside your body
peering out behind bars
at life
so come on,
just live
just be
and just do
all the things you've watched from afar
all the things you've berated
as overrated
as mindless
thoughtless
manifestations
of unthought lives
well tell me honey
tell me b-b-b-b-baby
what you think of this now
you're living
doing
being
and isn't it just ecstatic
to act
and damn it all
oh just be
free
with me
or without

come out where ever you are....

you would come out
from inside your head
if the world outside
was any more genuine
than the world within.
you play the game
of living well enough
to win acceptance
despite yourself
and you look well enough
to win advances
but you can't decide
what you despise more
the fact these things matter
or that you even play such games.
you are in a crowded room
and there is so much noise
music
laughing
drinking
eyes dancing from one body
to the next
like a whore inside a head
and you want to die
well, if not to die
then not to exist
if there is a difference.
these men are talking
these men are animals
these men feel like they matter
as though their lives depend on it
and you
you just can't understand
why you can't feel like them
even if you tried
not play any games at all
lose consciousness of your actions
become one with the essence of you
you
want to feel something
anything
as one
and not you
scattered
like the stars.

find your smile

did she see the way
her smile died?
did she?
did she care once
about the way people saw her
before the joy
that was her greatest disguise
gave way to memory
gave way to forgetting
and all the wine?
and all the wine
could never bring you back
to the place
you became lost
in the first place.
you stopped wondering
why
the further you distanced yourself
from yourself;
why
you never knew yourself
well enough
to live a life that was yours.
oh the joy
oh the memories
you never had...
whom to blame;
take the fall
for a life unlived?

If you stop asking questions, the answers will die

the catalyst of our demise
lies far behind your eyes
is there feeling
is there still feeling
floating in between the frames
of old photographs
that serve as the closest thing to memories
we've got left
here i am
a cloud
on the verge of imminent extinction
aren't we all
losing something
in a world of self-involved men
too deluded to know that wins
are the flip sides of losing
and victories are illusions
clouds
that come and go
and so they are of no consequence
in the face
of the ones you love

stuck on e

freefalling down the road to the middle
like tumbleweed
bereft of will
and so now i am here
stuck
like a needle on e
like all men before me.
the middle is here
yet nowhere.
to those in the dark
if you think on it
you are here
with me
stuck on e.
what starts as childhood dreaming
soon turn to naive flights of fancy
yet older every year
as dreams are no longer meant to be shared
and so
and so
and so and so
i turned myself inside
made walls around me
a humble city
in an ancient story
an ancient heart
in a story with an end
oh, rest assured!
stuck on e
free fallin' me
the boy whose walls
are a man
the boy who doesn't speak
so much as explode
the boy who can't hear you
for the blasts
that consume internal peace
in a life
stuck on e
all lifetime long
stuck on e

you can't lose if you've got nothing

draw a circle in the sand
lose everything
in the sun
close your eyes
experience the bright
make meteor showeres
of dust and specks
on the film screen
that is closed eyelids
breathe in the perfumed garden
the salted breeze
the sun kissed skin
lose everything
in the sun
who you are
let go
start over
yes i know
you know
it's a heavy eyelid dream
a cliche
like cheap cologne
sweated in skin
loose drooping clothes
surrender
to dream
a new dream
of total eradication
but in the space between
the words
oh won't you think
of how unimportant
all of this is
lost
in the sun
another fool's errand
to think
to lose everything
in the sun