the end of days (the futility of sleep)

when you fish for an answer
there is no joy
in the waiting
fishing
wishing
wondering
if there is a pulse
on the other end of the question
hello
hello
is there anyone in there
to save me
from the infernal noise
swelling to flood levels
each and every time
i close my eyes to try
oh to try in vain
to bid farewell to the end of a day
only hoping
wishing
praying to god
that tomorrow will be different
again and again
and again
but no it won't
no
you know the answer
is no
the same.
this is a song
for the same
same old things
thoughts like yellowed newspapers
no body reads anymore
no body buys
no body talks
no body knows
and i just don't care
tell myself i don't care
just to fall asleep
just to put an end to the day
like today
like yesterday
like tomorrow
lie
lie
lie lie lie lie lie
headaches to send us home
medicine to send us back
a kick in the balls
to feel a damn thing
so real
so right
so wrong
what's the difference?

the end of days (internal dialogue)

did you say
you're a stranger to this world
a fly ensnared in a tangled web of spiders,
or that you love me?
yes, i know
of course my charms are as drugs
pacify the pain
steady the ship
destined for despair
save you from yourself.
what did you say
i am full of sh#t again
head so deep down in it
i only hear what i want to hear
see what i want to
and that i am the one who fits in this world
like a head in a pinhole
like a tank in a manhole
like a man ... on fire
and i am
god knows i am
burning
from within
caving in
no air
no light
 wait
wait
i said wait
did you say all that
or am i thinking it
did you scream
that you are drowning
or is it me?

tell me, baby

unbuckle your hopes
unzip your delusions
illusions
open your eyes
that only see
what you want to see
anyways
are you with me
are you willing to forget
thinking about yourself
who you are
why
you're such a prisoner
inside your body
peering out behind bars
at life
so come on,
just live
just be
and just do
all the things you've watched from afar
all the things you've berated
as overrated
as mindless
thoughtless
manifestations
of unthought lives
well tell me honey
tell me b-b-b-b-baby
what you think of this now
you're living
doing
being
and isn't it just ecstatic
to act
and damn it all
oh just be
free
with me
or without

come out where ever you are....

you would come out
from inside your head
if the world outside
was any more genuine
than the world within.
you play the game
of living well enough
to win acceptance
despite yourself
and you look well enough
to win advances
but you can't decide
what you despise more
the fact these things matter
or that you even play such games.
you are in a crowded room
and there is so much noise
music
laughing
drinking
eyes dancing from one body
to the next
like a whore inside a head
and you want to die
well, if not to die
then not to exist
if there is a difference.
these men are talking
these men are animals
these men feel like they matter
as though their lives depend on it
and you
you just can't understand
why you can't feel like them
even if you tried
not play any games at all
lose consciousness of your actions
become one with the essence of you
you
want to feel something
anything
as one
and not you
scattered
like the stars.

find your smile

did she see the way
her smile died?
did she?
did she care once
about the way people saw her
before the joy
that was her greatest disguise
gave way to memory
gave way to forgetting
and all the wine?
and all the wine
could never bring you back
to the place
you became lost
in the first place.
you stopped wondering
why
the further you distanced yourself
from yourself;
why
you never knew yourself
well enough
to live a life that was yours.
oh the joy
oh the memories
you never had...
whom to blame;
take the fall
for a life unlived?

If you stop asking questions, the answers will die

the catalyst of our demise
lies far behind your eyes
is there feeling
is there still feeling
floating in between the frames
of old photographs
that serve as the closest thing to memories
we've got left
here i am
a cloud
on the verge of imminent extinction
aren't we all
losing something
in a world of self-involved men
too deluded to know that wins
are the flip sides of losing
and victories are illusions
clouds
that come and go
and so they are of no consequence
in the face
of the ones you love

stuck on e

freefalling down the road to the middle
like tumbleweed
bereft of will
and so now i am here
stuck
like a needle on e
like all men before me.
the middle is here
yet nowhere.
to those in the dark
if you think on it
you are here
with me
stuck on e.
what starts as childhood dreaming
soon turn to naive flights of fancy
yet older every year
as dreams are no longer meant to be shared
and so
and so
and so and so
i turned myself inside
made walls around me
a humble city
in an ancient story
an ancient heart
in a story with an end
oh, rest assured!
stuck on e
free fallin' me
the boy whose walls
are a man
the boy who doesn't speak
so much as explode
the boy who can't hear you
for the blasts
that consume internal peace
in a life
stuck on e
all lifetime long
stuck on e

you can't lose if you've got nothing

draw a circle in the sand
lose everything
in the sun
close your eyes
experience the bright
make meteor showeres
of dust and specks
on the film screen
that is closed eyelids
breathe in the perfumed garden
the salted breeze
the sun kissed skin
lose everything
in the sun
who you are
let go
start over
yes i know
you know
it's a heavy eyelid dream
a cliche
like cheap cologne
sweated in skin
loose drooping clothes
surrender
to dream
a new dream
of total eradication
but in the space between
the words
oh won't you think
of how unimportant
all of this is
lost
in the sun
another fool's errand
to think
to lose everything
in the sun

some day the little prince will come....

step by step
goes only so far
you fall
and it's over
you get back up
ask nothing
maybe no one noticed
apologize
to god
lower your gaze
avoid eye contact
if they see you
they'll know
you've fallen
again
down so low
in a world so high
laughs and spins
outlasts
like a boy
waiting to play ball
after the rain
like a boyhood
that came and went
eat
sleep
drink
again and again
days go by
falling
further and further away
from the point
closer and closer
to the life of your father
again and again
until the point is lost
altogether

for now and for always

and in the end
as the body writhes
"water"
eyes bulge
to scream out
what your voice cannot
"water"
you f*ck*rs
the new age music
relentless
like endless lines
on a body lived in
near died in
gasp in
space
space
gasp out
like seizures
no beauty
skin
bones
surrounded by guilt
and guilty parties
the usual suspects
united only in our guilt
waiting
well
we're waiting
and i can't get it out of my head
the queer surrealism of the scene
like in French literature
nothing is real
new age
over and over
no age
an endless litany
a false background
plastic bedsheets
mourners yet praying for the end
no suffering
ease the pain
ours?
f*ck*ng ours?
breathe
gasp
seize
the spaces in between
growing longer and longer
gasping for something
but nothing is there
don't give him water
f*ck*rs
no arms to hold you
deride
no air
no smiles
a world screaming in pain
another joyless life
memories shatter
scatter
forget
let go
stop
and i can't get it out of my head
still thinking of me
even as you die
oh,
hello there
death
i feel you...
around me
for now and for always....

the girl who buys lies

• she smiles
  the girl who buys lies
  the lies she tells herself
  to stop hating the flaws
  like walls
  closing in
  every time she stops and thinks
  about thinking
  and what she really is
  and is becoming
  thank you dad
  mom
  and the lies others tell
  to get inside her pants
  or else to mock her
  even though she knows the difference
  she just doesn't care
  her hair it weeps
  and oh her body sings
  a sad song
  even as she weeps
  tears falling like brown hair
  over shoulders
  evaporate
  then nothing
  remembered
  the next day comes
  are you still here --
  the one who told me lies
  i could only believe
  because i wanted to believe?
  i could believe in anything
  sell me lies
  i am buying lies
  hook line and sinker
  and i know
  and i understand
  i am not stupid enough to buy your lies
  but i need to buy lies
  so just f**k me now
  so i can hate myself even more
  at least until tomorrow
  when the sight of you sickens
  but the thought of me sickens
  even more

you and your shadow

she believes in nothing
but she could believe in you
if only you were make believe.
invisible
you are perfect
bound to nothing
but dreams
and wishes upon stars
an ear to hear the pain
a smile in the mist of a cloud
to understand the heart
of your loneliness
of your frustration
of your desperation
so deep you can no longer see the light
above the surface
of the so-called shining sea.
she is intoxicated
with her doubt
that believing in anyone
or anything
can make you happy
and yet
she could believe in you
if you weren't so f*ck*ng real
flawed
a mirror relflection
of herself
and what's the point in that?

the pitch black of nothing

you are an echo
in a world without sound
a shadow
in the pitch black of nothing
you find yourself
a quiet place
to laugh
because you are no mimic
and find laughing more real
with no one else around
no one to follow
no one to watch you
laugh
find fault
look at his nostrils flare out
and that joke isn't even funny
anyway
you are an ostrich
in a world of men
bury your head
in your arms
keep out the noise
the lights
the ...
hell ...
everything
no sound
no words
just you
alone
the din of your labored breathing
and the dazzling display
of the tiny specs that dance
across your eyelids
like moths on a shade
to keep out the light
exterminate light
until the quiet places you find to laugh
make up the world
entire

on blue ocean waves

my hope floats
away
on blue ocean waves
further and further
away
from my wildest dreams
your ears to hear me
your arms to hold me
your infinite eyes
to give me hope
float away
on blue ocean waves
breathing in
then out
the salted air
that used to cleanse
now gags me
the memories burn
consume the hope
that floats
away
on blue ocean waves
float
chasing the bright white light
the pathway
cast by a pregnant moon
that calls my name
away
on blue ocean waves

passion in the middle age?

can we freeze time, then
and while we're at it
ourselves
on ice
in an embrace
not so much passionate
as understanding
or forgiving
accepting
and
after all
isn't that passion
in the middle age?
betrayed
by too much
time
wasted
noise
distractions
making plans
oh yes
and we've found ourselves
lost
in spite of everything
in spite of us
and the best intentions
conceived of love
of passion
forged from youth
in all of its incompleteness
and yet
perfection.
we were idealists once
but to freeze ourselves
in a moment
in time
in youth
could never hold a candle
to the flawed wreck
no one could ever call perfection
but is love
our love
our one and only.

running scared

you are beauty
made visible
something to touch
wrap my arms around
whisper
i love you
more than myself
i'll give you
all of me
if you just love me
back
and yet
when i open my eyes
you are gone

the f*ck up

are you free
if you don't know it?
are you free
if you don't know how to show it?
she came to him
like a rapture
on the descending side
of his middle age
light years away
from the start
of the descent
propped him up
to see
for the first time in decades
the beauty of hope
and of possibilities.
he followed her
as if she was a guide
for the blind
believed her words
of compassion for others
and endeavoring to heal
universal suffering
like he was twenty-something.
he was a sucker
and he knew it
but he didn't care
willfully blind
in hoping to gain salvation
if not love
heal others
to heal himself
oh
but the day she left
like a cool breeze
vanished
he lost his tenuous faith
in everything
in himself
he was clutching at substance
desperate
but when he leaned down
he rested on shadows
and she flew away
like a bird
with a higher calling
he is
as he always was
free
but then why
does he f*ck up everything?

stillblind

she breathes
in my ear
then giggles
sweet somethings
that open my eyes
yet still i see a blur
poor vision
to obscure the dark
inside of me
or is it all over
starts
ends
what matters
beyond the smile i offer
my gift to you
appease you
"i love you"
but from within
i know they are laughing
"you fool..."
they slap knees
and bob in their seats
"give enough
to get what you want,
you fool..."
dressed in black
on the inside
i open my mouth
in the mirror
to shine a light
make them go away
but she giggles
sweet somethings
i feel nothing
"say you love me,"
i say i do.

the violent hour

her dreams
in a trickle
out the corner
of her mouth
sleep may take her
places
where reality is stretched
but it is never broken
the inevitable reflection
will steal her glance
sneer
"you are you
with nowhere to run"
here comes her man
again
the one to ignore her
lost in his thoughts
that never amount to anything.
the thought on a friend
who never calls anymore
"life gets in the way"
says the friend
and "i know you understand"
but she doesn't want to
she never wanted
to give in
she just got sucked
hard
and down so low
she can't get out.
it's only age
flushing down behind her
rushing down to take her
further and further away
from all hope
all that was held
sacred
by her years as a child
her apprenticeship
that turned out to be her life
her only life
that amounted to anything.
she coughs
doesn't cover her mouth
f*ck it
she spits phlegm
into her pre-arranged plot
in the cemetary
you know
the place beneath the neon sign
"where memories rest in peace"
even if she'd sooner die
than remember
any of this.

the ground beneath one's feet

the grass
was never asked
to close its eyes
to the sun
as it was being buried
by the falling leaves
in time
the grass
would live for its memories
as its breaths
would grow shorter
like a winter's day
the grass
it did clamor
toward the blades
still kissed by light
as a proud mother
to her child
but in time
the grass
grew weary
and began to collapse
living
then slowly dying
in the agonizing expectation
that one leaf
then another
would soon fall
to cover its wistful eyes
first one
then the other
slowly die
without even knowing it
slowly die
not living
not loving
not laughing
afraid
of the inevitable
paralyzed
made a vegetable
picked
from the earth
a leaf
raked then bagged
grass
mowed and mulched
never really alive
oblivious
just used
like toilet water
like people