you can't lose if you've got nothing

draw a circle in the sand
lose everything
in the sun
close your eyes
experience the bright
make meteor showeres
of dust and specks
on the film screen
that is closed eyelids
breathe in the perfumed garden
the salted breeze
the sun kissed skin
lose everything
in the sun
who you are
let go
start over
yes i know
you know
it's a heavy eyelid dream
a cliche
like cheap cologne
sweated in skin
loose drooping clothes
surrender
to dream
a new dream
of total eradication
but in the space between
the words
oh won't you think
of how unimportant
all of this is
lost
in the sun
another fool's errand
to think
to lose everything
in the sun

some day the little prince will come....

step by step
goes only so far
you fall
and it's over
you get back up
ask nothing
maybe no one noticed
apologize
to god
lower your gaze
avoid eye contact
if they see you
they'll know
you've fallen
again
down so low
in a world so high
laughs and spins
outlasts
like a boy
waiting to play ball
after the rain
like a boyhood
that came and went
eat
sleep
drink
again and again
days go by
falling
further and further away
from the point
closer and closer
to the life of your father
again and again
until the point is lost
altogether

for now and for always

and in the end
as the body writhes
"water"
eyes bulge
to scream out
what your voice cannot
"water"
you f*ck*rs
the new age music
relentless
like endless lines
on a body lived in
near died in
gasp in
space
space
gasp out
like seizures
no beauty
skin
bones
surrounded by guilt
and guilty parties
the usual suspects
united only in our guilt
waiting
well
we're waiting
and i can't get it out of my head
the queer surrealism of the scene
like in French literature
nothing is real
new age
over and over
no age
an endless litany
a false background
plastic bedsheets
mourners yet praying for the end
no suffering
ease the pain
ours?
f*ck*ng ours?
breathe
gasp
seize
the spaces in between
growing longer and longer
gasping for something
but nothing is there
don't give him water
f*ck*rs
no arms to hold you
deride
no air
no smiles
a world screaming in pain
another joyless life
memories shatter
scatter
forget
let go
stop
and i can't get it out of my head
still thinking of me
even as you die
oh,
hello there
death
i feel you...
around me
for now and for always....

the girl who buys lies

• she smiles
  the girl who buys lies
  the lies she tells herself
  to stop hating the flaws
  like walls
  closing in
  every time she stops and thinks
  about thinking
  and what she really is
  and is becoming
  thank you dad
  mom
  and the lies others tell
  to get inside her pants
  or else to mock her
  even though she knows the difference
  she just doesn't care
  her hair it weeps
  and oh her body sings
  a sad song
  even as she weeps
  tears falling like brown hair
  over shoulders
  evaporate
  then nothing
  remembered
  the next day comes
  are you still here --
  the one who told me lies
  i could only believe
  because i wanted to believe?
  i could believe in anything
  sell me lies
  i am buying lies
  hook line and sinker
  and i know
  and i understand
  i am not stupid enough to buy your lies
  but i need to buy lies
  so just f**k me now
  so i can hate myself even more
  at least until tomorrow
  when the sight of you sickens
  but the thought of me sickens
  even more

you and your shadow

she believes in nothing
but she could believe in you
if only you were make believe.
invisible
you are perfect
bound to nothing
but dreams
and wishes upon stars
an ear to hear the pain
a smile in the mist of a cloud
to understand the heart
of your loneliness
of your frustration
of your desperation
so deep you can no longer see the light
above the surface
of the so-called shining sea.
she is intoxicated
with her doubt
that believing in anyone
or anything
can make you happy
and yet
she could believe in you
if you weren't so f*ck*ng real
flawed
a mirror relflection
of herself
and what's the point in that?

the pitch black of nothing

you are an echo
in a world without sound
a shadow
in the pitch black of nothing
you find yourself
a quiet place
to laugh
because you are no mimic
and find laughing more real
with no one else around
no one to follow
no one to watch you
laugh
find fault
look at his nostrils flare out
and that joke isn't even funny
anyway
you are an ostrich
in a world of men
bury your head
in your arms
keep out the noise
the lights
the ...
hell ...
everything
no sound
no words
just you
alone
the din of your labored breathing
and the dazzling display
of the tiny specs that dance
across your eyelids
like moths on a shade
to keep out the light
exterminate light
until the quiet places you find to laugh
make up the world
entire

on blue ocean waves

my hope floats
away
on blue ocean waves
further and further
away
from my wildest dreams
your ears to hear me
your arms to hold me
your infinite eyes
to give me hope
float away
on blue ocean waves
breathing in
then out
the salted air
that used to cleanse
now gags me
the memories burn
consume the hope
that floats
away
on blue ocean waves
float
chasing the bright white light
the pathway
cast by a pregnant moon
that calls my name
away
on blue ocean waves

passion in the middle age?

can we freeze time, then
and while we're at it
ourselves
on ice
in an embrace
not so much passionate
as understanding
or forgiving
accepting
and
after all
isn't that passion
in the middle age?
betrayed
by too much
time
wasted
noise
distractions
making plans
oh yes
and we've found ourselves
lost
in spite of everything
in spite of us
and the best intentions
conceived of love
of passion
forged from youth
in all of its incompleteness
and yet
perfection.
we were idealists once
but to freeze ourselves
in a moment
in time
in youth
could never hold a candle
to the flawed wreck
no one could ever call perfection
but is love
our love
our one and only.

running scared

you are beauty
made visible
something to touch
wrap my arms around
whisper
i love you
more than myself
i'll give you
all of me
if you just love me
back
and yet
when i open my eyes
you are gone

the f*ck up

are you free
if you don't know it?
are you free
if you don't know how to show it?
she came to him
like a rapture
on the descending side
of his middle age
light years away
from the start
of the descent
propped him up
to see
for the first time in decades
the beauty of hope
and of possibilities.
he followed her
as if she was a guide
for the blind
believed her words
of compassion for others
and endeavoring to heal
universal suffering
like he was twenty-something.
he was a sucker
and he knew it
but he didn't care
willfully blind
in hoping to gain salvation
if not love
heal others
to heal himself
oh
but the day she left
like a cool breeze
vanished
he lost his tenuous faith
in everything
in himself
he was clutching at substance
desperate
but when he leaned down
he rested on shadows
and she flew away
like a bird
with a higher calling
he is
as he always was
free
but then why
does he f*ck up everything?

stillblind

she breathes
in my ear
then giggles
sweet somethings
that open my eyes
yet still i see a blur
poor vision
to obscure the dark
inside of me
or is it all over
starts
ends
what matters
beyond the smile i offer
my gift to you
appease you
"i love you"
but from within
i know they are laughing
"you fool..."
they slap knees
and bob in their seats
"give enough
to get what you want,
you fool..."
dressed in black
on the inside
i open my mouth
in the mirror
to shine a light
make them go away
but she giggles
sweet somethings
i feel nothing
"say you love me,"
i say i do.

the violent hour

her dreams
in a trickle
out the corner
of her mouth
sleep may take her
places
where reality is stretched
but it is never broken
the inevitable reflection
will steal her glance
sneer
"you are you
with nowhere to run"
here comes her man
again
the one to ignore her
lost in his thoughts
that never amount to anything.
the thought on a friend
who never calls anymore
"life gets in the way"
says the friend
and "i know you understand"
but she doesn't want to
she never wanted
to give in
she just got sucked
hard
and down so low
she can't get out.
it's only age
flushing down behind her
rushing down to take her
further and further away
from all hope
all that was held
sacred
by her years as a child
her apprenticeship
that turned out to be her life
her only life
that amounted to anything.
she coughs
doesn't cover her mouth
f*ck it
she spits phlegm
into her pre-arranged plot
in the cemetary
you know
the place beneath the neon sign
"where memories rest in peace"
even if she'd sooner die
than remember
any of this.

the ground beneath one's feet

the grass
was never asked
to close its eyes
to the sun
as it was being buried
by the falling leaves
in time
the grass
would live for its memories
as its breaths
would grow shorter
like a winter's day
the grass
it did clamor
toward the blades
still kissed by light
as a proud mother
to her child
but in time
the grass
grew weary
and began to collapse
living
then slowly dying
in the agonizing expectation
that one leaf
then another
would soon fall
to cover its wistful eyes
first one
then the other
slowly die
without even knowing it
slowly die
not living
not loving
not laughing
afraid
of the inevitable
paralyzed
made a vegetable
picked
from the earth
a leaf
raked then bagged
grass
mowed and mulched
never really alive
oblivious
just used
like toilet water
like people

the rules of the game

she sits
sketching
something
by the window
darkness overwhelms
the conceding light
and so she sits
sketching
something
in darkness.
she could win
hearts
applause
or a firm position
in the machine
if only she knew the rules
of the games.
she could win
if sitting
sketching
by the window
were not an option
infinitely more inviting
and less demanding.
she loses
in the eyes of everyone
but she never even entered
the game
she sits
sketching
a life more lived
than her reflection
taking form
on the window
like morning dew
compliments of night.
she could win
but she doesn't want to know
what that means.

this is where i get off

i get off
when the world stops
spinning
hitch a ride
with a girl in the moon
free
like wind
of destinations
of ends
that are only beginnings
of the same cycle
again
let me feel
anything
something to sustain me
beyond the moment
i get off
in my dreams
but i never remember
the feeling

flesh for fantasy

in the haunted mansion of her mind
her beauty is rapturous
she thinks so
because this is what men tell her
with mouths wide open
one hand in their pockets
the other useless
like men
heads spinning
in the rush of desire
and dominion
she is sadder than happy
and happier than sad
all at once
a victim
tormentor
a waif
dominatrix
different masks
to suit their wants
her needs
or their needs
her wishes
and yet
to the horror of all
there is no face
behind any of the masks.

you alone

on the day
your wandering eyes
fall silent
for want of a stimulus
so incapable of boring you
i will learn
for the very first time
the color of your eyes
blue
and if you can be trusted
enough for me to bother
with even talking to you.
until that day
should it ever come
i will stand silent
waiting for you to stop talking
with your eyes
telling me
in every possible way
like a preacher man
condemning his congregation
to hell
you are so in this
for you
alone

cowards

on the eve
of the last dawn
you nervously pace
may as well be miles
from the birth of the child
try and save face
for the start
of the end
the loss of you
the start of him
and you just know it
you always told them so
as you smile
not through the cloud
of cigarette smoke
in the lobby of others
likewise expecting
dare you say dreading
the inevitable
but in the doorway
halfway between the beginning
and the end
you are smiling
for a memory
when you were the child
all eyes were on you
and you could just be
the shit
you always knew
but others were too slow
to know
what you knew
until now
the eve of the dawn
on which you would be exposed
curtains open
spotlight
cheers
the new father
the old boy
one
and the same
but now revealed
naked
flawed
still clutching
for the dark
as the baby screams
and the lobby of men
applaud
it is not them
yet

suffer no more

when words
no longer conceal
the acid
bitter
and sad
that are your trinity
unholy
you look way down below
to think
can you do it this time
do you have it
deep down within
to spare you the laughing
open mouths
dismayed
by your cruelty
unkind things you say
arms flailing madly
head starts
to smoke
then spin
like a top
the sun in your eyes
all eyes on you
or so you think
(you always do)
fingers pointing
invisible hands reaching out
to save your children
suffer them no more
and as you seethe
you realize
even in your rage
you have no purpose
you have no reason
no justification
no north
and so there is nothing
in your hands
to offer
other than your hands themselves
around which cuffs
are better suited
needed
to sustain the man
the host of the enmity
the enemy within
to protect them all
suffer them no more
god save them
yes

years ago

she blew
smoke rings
not to dazzle
those gathered there
to worship her exquisite form
over shoulders
of the ones they are with
but just because
she left her cellphone
at home
and felt obliged
to look occupied
aloof
to her solitude
inner turmoil
in some other way
the worshippers preyed
upon her
with eyes
boastful
ridiculous
chatter
like monkeys
high fives
oooh oooh
aaah aaah
ha ha
ho ho
the only things she hears
as she wonders why
she even comes here
year after year
to torture herself
in this way
how the tears have long dried
in the desert of her emptiness
how her fears
have overcome
her essence
like waves over shorelines
ever since
her love died
in this
the very place
she agreed to marry
those years ago.