for now and for always

and in the end
as the body writhes
"water"
eyes bulge
to scream out
what your voice cannot
"water"
you f*ck*rs
the new age music
relentless
like endless lines
on a body lived in
near died in
gasp in
space
space
gasp out
like seizures
no beauty
skin
bones
surrounded by guilt
and guilty parties
the usual suspects
united only in our guilt
waiting
well
we're waiting
and i can't get it out of my head
the queer surrealism of the scene
like in French literature
nothing is real
new age
over and over
no age
an endless litany
a false background
plastic bedsheets
mourners yet praying for the end
no suffering
ease the pain
ours?
f*ck*ng ours?
breathe
gasp
seize
the spaces in between
growing longer and longer
gasping for something
but nothing is there
don't give him water
f*ck*rs
no arms to hold you
deride
no air
no smiles
a world screaming in pain
another joyless life
memories shatter
scatter
forget
let go
stop
and i can't get it out of my head
still thinking of me
even as you die
oh,
hello there
death
i feel you...
around me
for now and for always....

the girl who buys lies

• she smiles
  the girl who buys lies
  the lies she tells herself
  to stop hating the flaws
  like walls
  closing in
  every time she stops and thinks
  about thinking
  and what she really is
  and is becoming
  thank you dad
  mom
  and the lies others tell
  to get inside her pants
  or else to mock her
  even though she knows the difference
  she just doesn't care
  her hair it weeps
  and oh her body sings
  a sad song
  even as she weeps
  tears falling like brown hair
  over shoulders
  evaporate
  then nothing
  remembered
  the next day comes
  are you still here --
  the one who told me lies
  i could only believe
  because i wanted to believe?
  i could believe in anything
  sell me lies
  i am buying lies
  hook line and sinker
  and i know
  and i understand
  i am not stupid enough to buy your lies
  but i need to buy lies
  so just f**k me now
  so i can hate myself even more
  at least until tomorrow
  when the sight of you sickens
  but the thought of me sickens
  even more

you and your shadow

she believes in nothing
but she could believe in you
if only you were make believe.
invisible
you are perfect
bound to nothing
but dreams
and wishes upon stars
an ear to hear the pain
a smile in the mist of a cloud
to understand the heart
of your loneliness
of your frustration
of your desperation
so deep you can no longer see the light
above the surface
of the so-called shining sea.
she is intoxicated
with her doubt
that believing in anyone
or anything
can make you happy
and yet
she could believe in you
if you weren't so f*ck*ng real
flawed
a mirror relflection
of herself
and what's the point in that?

the pitch black of nothing

you are an echo
in a world without sound
a shadow
in the pitch black of nothing
you find yourself
a quiet place
to laugh
because you are no mimic
and find laughing more real
with no one else around
no one to follow
no one to watch you
laugh
find fault
look at his nostrils flare out
and that joke isn't even funny
anyway
you are an ostrich
in a world of men
bury your head
in your arms
keep out the noise
the lights
the ...
hell ...
everything
no sound
no words
just you
alone
the din of your labored breathing
and the dazzling display
of the tiny specs that dance
across your eyelids
like moths on a shade
to keep out the light
exterminate light
until the quiet places you find to laugh
make up the world
entire

on blue ocean waves

my hope floats
away
on blue ocean waves
further and further
away
from my wildest dreams
your ears to hear me
your arms to hold me
your infinite eyes
to give me hope
float away
on blue ocean waves
breathing in
then out
the salted air
that used to cleanse
now gags me
the memories burn
consume the hope
that floats
away
on blue ocean waves
float
chasing the bright white light
the pathway
cast by a pregnant moon
that calls my name
away
on blue ocean waves