sleepwalking

like a weary trucker
whose eyes weigh heavy
like burdens
on shoulders
i used to sleep
deep
for counting sheep
or so many white lines
spread without end
across the million miles of thoughts
that were never bound
for any destination
at least
nothing in particular
nowhere you could ever know
i used to be so scared
but now i'm not so sure
i used to turn pages of days
the way the sun comes up
then down
up
and down
and on
and on
and now that they are in motion
i can't stop a thing
i roll down the car window
to arm-wrestle the passing wind
as we speed by
meaningless
mile markers
as life speeds by
poke my head out
yell
"world, shut your mouth"
i used to dream
i used to laugh
i used to fight
i used to scream
then laugh
scream
hide
seek
laugh
i used to run
but now
i only exist

beneath the ant colony

on the nightstand
i left
crumbled notes
of ideas
thought before
some day
i'll get around
to rising up
be the man
i always thought i could be
in a vacuum
a place
where time hangs
like icicles
from gutters
it is dark
the trees are bare
and feel their age
every time the wind blows
and i think next time they'll break
not bend
and no one is anywhere near
me in my moment
frozen in time
to stare deeply
down the crack
between the pavement
where my ambitions must lie
because you know
i know
even if i had the time
the frozen moment
in silence
i would still grow sleepy
overwhelmed
and give in to another restless sleep
dreaming of what i would do
if i only had the time
the frozen moment
in silence
to rise up
to what i am
even here
far underground
beneath the ant colony
occupied by ghosts
of ants
frozen in my memories
of the blind imposition of will
to feel anything
yes, that's it
freeze time
to feel anything
all over again
to feel that
to mean it like that....

live like you mean it (epilogue)

here come the waves
in
then out
like breathing
feel a shiver
from your toes
up on through to your head
then fly
live
every part of you
laugh
drink wine
a little more
than before
smile
smell the coffee
every instant
hold the hands
of the ones who love you
still
after all
as sure as the waves
like breaths
roll in
then out
after all
holding hands
over time
like magic
like people in love
who really mean it
day in
then out

every day i chop the wood

every day
i chop the wood
inch a little closer
away from your comfort zone
but closer
yes
you must know that
i am a lumberjack
and i don't care
a butcher
puts food on the table
mouths to feed
provider
for what
i never ask
pat yourself on the back
to box me in
pine
to your world view
the way you must divide
then subdivide
til the numbers add up
you're a fucking genius
a humble one at that
and we are all
just full of shit
flawed
self-important
myopic
you do the math
oh you did
it's all in your numbers
perverse
we all must die
you're a demi-god
oh my god
but me
every day i chop the wood
that my casket might be done
when your math figures
add up to no end
or
you know what i mean
oh casket
of finest oak
see my gravest face
on my way
each and every day
the finest oak
i hope you're happy
now
you wizard
you demi-god
now
that you see me
like noah
so prepared
so resigned
to chop
chop chop
get ready....

he dreamed of the sea

after years
like waves
after waves
the monotony
became seamless
in waves
after years
in years
after waves
thoughts repeating thoughts
conjured years before
like waves
indifferent
insignificant
except to time
sneering
if anything at all
ideas enmeshed
in sand
too many
too much
to know the difference
over time
the ones who ever cared
like the sand
in time
in the wind
was it you
was it her
was it me
in time
perspective became lost
with fault
with blame
as the sun
to the west horizon
love
like a cloud
over water
passing
over time
harder to define
not like hate
the whole wide world
beyond definition
and so retire
to the sea
to watch the waves
after waves
over time
but not really
more like retire
to fall asleep
reading books
to mark time
to bide days
until none remain
until only echoes
of fruitless words
like waste
remain
until friends
and the multitude
of enemies
who were so
only
because you told them so
and the ones you never knew
you really never knew
because nothing
no one
no place
really mattered
save yourself
all get in line
curl up with books
and resign themselves
to waves
endless waves
after waves
over time
like they are
smiling

into the light

breathe in
now
breathe out
it was me
all along
in my place
the love
respect
of a child
sustained so long
until death
shall we part
breathe in
the new life
to give
the only part of you
ever wanted
the burning part of you
reserved
for your elizian fields
impervious to time
immune to the sickening swell
of reality
fields
prosperity
fields of dreams
breathe out
the best part of you
you keep hidden
for yourself
behind closed eyes
under folded arms
on corners of sofas
in living rooms
breathe in
cue the music
the magic
hang on st. christopher
many happy returns
breathe in
again
the moments in between
the suffering
turn red
breathing in
hold
hold
st. christopher
hold
i hold your hand
the only one
keep holding
as we step
together
into the light

hell yeah, we're all going to die!

waiting
for the body
bag
to arrive
like watching
the drip
from a shower
head
fill
a tub
until it runneth over
our heads
until breath
do we part
to reunite
so you'd like to believe
oh
yes
we must believe
we are infinite
for we are
after all
wise men
bearing gifts
called pride
ego
and the joy of knowing
we're better than them
even though we know
the obvious
we are as stars
unto a distance
far as the eyes can see
we are enlightened
we are gorgeous
we are ...
full of shit
of course
as a body
unto a zippered bag
a muffled cry
at the back of a long
dark
alley
as we wait
for a fate
inevitable
and oh
yes
judgemental

every new year

the waves
like years
roll deeper ashore
then recede
like strength
like will
until you must depend
on that which you've sewn
more and more
with every new year
how can a man
take stock over what he's done
for all the holes
every new year
like the last
only more and more
deeper and deeper
the ones cast aside
for all the best intentions
now motionless
in shallow graves
the day logic died
a thousand torturous times
for the sake of the days
became years
like waves
you surrendered autonomy
responsiblity
conviction
unto the ones you thought you loved
the only ones who could ever come close
to loving you
the way you needed to be loved
not love
no
not love
it was convenience
and you said so
love the ones you're with
let the rest
go to fucking hell
it was you
who knew no better
every new year
deeper and deeper
farther and farther away
from the heart
and its slow dance
behind the beat
to the step of a life
lived
in thought
with heart
yes
but at least
with heart

strange fruit

apples
from the tree
outside the gates
of elizium
we bit off less
than we could chew
it meant nothing
real
in a world sheltered
by hands too busy
and tired
to make it real
breathe in
the solution
deeper
the solvent
then rise and shine
a little dimmer
by the hour
by the years
roller skate circles
around
the hot blooded
until the fever slows
you
levels
knocks you down a little further
makes you powerless
lifeless
even
in a heap
like fallen apples
scattered far from trees
still dense
across the fields
lying
like a woman
on a couch
with a migraine
if she is there at all
imagine
a day
your actions
bear fruit

jeux sans frontiers

cue the music
dim the lights
to darkness
scatter the children
to their dream worlds
to disengage
from living
from others
from feeling
anything
in the far right corner
of a sofa
in a barely living room
raise your right arm
then fold it down
across your eyes
closed
then open them
to pure consciousness
forged only of memories
the places you've been
the hugs of a mother
laughter of brothers
in the faces of sisters
in far away lands
the things you could've been
if only you had conviction
father
hide me away
from the ones who won't love
me
father
oh father
make this all go
away
and so your dreams
made real
games
made real
to occupy the places
where others live
don't dream
engage
don't play
and so stare
at the closed eyelids
behind folded right arms
and behold the children
like their father
dreaming lives away
cue the music
live the music
breathe it
until the end
live
here we go again
like waves

and cheering madly

sit in line
chase the tales
of other men
in books
you can stomach
if you find the time
sit in rows
to believe
in something
man-made
you can stomach
if you'll speak in tongues
embrace nonsense
anything other than real
watch tigers chase tails
going nowhere
again
watch
from beer-drenched rows
like waves
to do waves
beckoned by other men
over beers
under the influence
of something
you never wanted
or never knew how to catch
release
sweat out the whole world
in perspiration
the inspiration's gone
let it out
sweat out time
you'd otherwise spend thinking
what you should be thinking about
you know
the things
and people
who'll soon be leaving
the ones who still remain
the reasons
the whys
and the path
without direction
the road
unlaid
and so better
to sit in rows
beer-drenched
not thinking
on thinking
and cheering madly

i'm on the side of good, how the f*ck about you?

cat springs off
counter top
to oblivion
open jaws
death's steely embrace
say when
say uncle
give
give?
everything
black cat
bad luck
gouge the eyes
of superior mothers
mothers superior
dumb dogs
get kicked
get shit
rubbed on your nose
eat it
like chocolate
mmmmm
delicious
gouge away
give
everything
uncle
uncle
you know things
about nothing
and nobody cares
and nobody knows
this is nowhere
yes
the wide open
waiting
jaws
of sickness
inevitable
like a greasy part
right down the middle
of your fucking scalp
swoop
swoop
oh yes
there it is
mutha
fucka

breakfast in america

every time you pull
your buick door closed
to go off
see a different world
if only in language
so fuck it
learn the new language
play the game
feign understanding with a half smile
and a sigh
before people
who'll never understand
in any language
you die a little
in cheap hamburgers
and instant coffee
apple pies
aluminum siding
you push
and you push
the stone for what
for someone
to take notice
for someone to admire
the push
and the pushing
cheap hamburgers
instant coffee
leisure suits
broken language
someone to see you
shine
oh shine
by your terms
on your fields of play
may as well be elizium
for the world to know
for her to care
see you shine
atop the whole world
especially in your heart
beyond language
logic
meaning
and beyond what you can control
still every time you pull
your buick door closed
you just go off....

twin peaks

and as water is to sand
a boy is to a girl
like a bird to the sky
like a candle to the night
he coughs
she hurts
he cries
she pounces
down
he laughs
she takes out knives
to make illusions
for aspiring backstabbers
beware
beware
be gone
he will die
then so will she
if you know what i mean
and you know what i mean
like a rowboat
without oars
upstream
she'll cup her hands
then paddle
she'll cup her hands
then scream
to anyone at all
to catch her fall
after the fall
of the only part of her
that did not blind her eyes
in mirrors
and car windows
be soft
be not unkind
and avoid the wrath
the judgement
the glacier-chilled glare
of her own reflection
cup her hands
then drink
from the well of suffering
bound to run out
just as soon as suffering
signs the cross
on the forehead of a child
and bids the world
adieu
mon vieux
adieu
cup her hands
call out
adieu...
to this beautiful day....

the blood (prologue)

for black
the last colour
like the night
before the light
for yellow
a sun
another
then one final son
and for red
like blood
thicker than water
so you said
thick
as a brick
the blood
in a wave
like a million
waves before
and ever after
goodbye
goodbye...
oh, hello there...
such a beautiful day
hello
hello....

The Untenable Fire

like ghosts
of men
locked in towers
european sons
setting
til night do they part
for mercy
a grace
amazing for its silence
in the wake of so much noise
like someone scratched
the needle across a record
and then lifted it
for goodness sake
for silence
we are seconds
in time
waves
in oceans
in significance
yet we shine
here
alone
like a man in space
for a naive construct
of what is love
or our blindness
in the face
of inevitability
our place
and the perverse magic
in between
color
against the norm
screaming
from beneath waves
like we kick
like we kicked
and we kick
like we kicked
against pricks
we kick
like you kicked
but we kick
against the pricks

the discomfort of belief

when even the view
from the hill
looks the same
and your shadow
surpasses
the travails of sleep
you slip behind the camera eye
put your head
behind hands
once used to conceal
your eyes
in games with children
and
pray
like you did as a child
when you still believed
in something
believed
and the promise of days
greater
than those behind
taken for granted
never again
all hands on deck
brothers
all hands on deck
to behold
the way the dawn
imposes its will
upon the night
after night
by day
proud
defiant
like god
like the boy you were
and remain
if you believe it so
in hiding
ever doubting
yet ever wanting
to impose your will
on days
like god
and nothing less